dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Let's paint friendship bongs
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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