Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
