He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
