dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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