we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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