My Higher Power is John Stamos
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
