but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
