I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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