she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
