dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
