well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
