finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
