Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
