He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
