saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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