Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
