I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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