The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
