i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
