after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
