I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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