after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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