Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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