You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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