I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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