i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
