Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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