sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
