Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
