he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
