She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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