it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
there's paper in my vomit.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
