True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
