woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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