I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
