I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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