We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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