My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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