tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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