You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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