its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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