i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
