I swear she didn't look like that last week.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
