I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
