There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
