Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
