By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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