went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
