I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
