Banned from zoo.
Again?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
